To The Bad Idea....

Remember the old comedy skit "Good Idea/Bad Idea"? Well, to any of you gentlemen who may be trying online dating, I'm going to spell it out for you (and use visual aids). This is to any and all the lovely men who think that grainy cock shots turn us women into a quivering pile of hormones (thanks for that line by the way M.J. - Pure Genius!).  Here are some approaches to learn from as well as what not to do.

Good Idea:

Respectful, indicates you read their profile, and even says you took the time to compare answers to questions. Good job Ren! I bet you frequently get responses!

Bad Idea:

Don't start an argument as a first impression! Especially about a topic that someone has expressed a set view on. It's like sending a message to a vegetarian that says "Hi, I'm Katie. Eating meat isn't bad." You're on a dating site, dude. Spend your time sending messages to people you have similarities with, not picking fights. No wonder he and I have a 35% enemy rating! 

Good Idea:

Thomas - way to address a potential issue without coming off like an ass! You came across as a mature adult, and stayed positive even through rejection. Someone will be lucky to have him in their lives, just someone 5'5" and under....

Bad Idea:

Actually if I was a Domme, maybe this is the approach to take? I don't know, because I'm not one. But it makes me wonder - what about my profile seems to attract all these submissives wanting me to dominate them? Do I look like I wear leather and tie people up? Or do I seem aggressive enough to physically beat someone? This one kinda stumped me, but I have a suggestion. How about instead of going to match.com or okcupid.com and fish for takers, maximize your online experience with a site specifically for what you want. After a quick google search, I'd like to suggest www.subdomdating.com, www.submissiveplanet.com, www.submissivematch.com. Wasn't that easy? Now use those and get off my innocent little profile!

Bad Idea:

Why yes, Cashew Nut Chicken is one of my favorite dishes?

Don't get me wrong, I've dated and lived with someone who was Asian. It's not an ethnicity thing, but I think that this little 22 year old out of vegas really seems to identify himself by his heritage. The one I dated was a self admitted Twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside - his words, not mine but I think it's an accurate way to explain it.)

Oh, and did I mention he's 22 looking for someone 29-55?
Hey, hey sugar mamma! And if I was someone who was looking for a certain ethnicity, like picking from a menu, it doesn't sound like I'm looking for a relationship more than a hook up. Like crossing people off my bucket list by ethnicity, so sorry greenebay, I get hankerings for fried rice, but you're a dish I'm going to pass by!

Back in the Saddle for the ...... Shit, I Lost Count!

I've been kinda quiet for the last 8 months, huh? Well, it's because I was spending my time with someone who showed promise for the long term. We both wanted a relationship that lead to marriage and forever, both wanted kids, and had some similarities.

But somewhere in there this nagging feeling came. We talked about me moving into his new house with him, and that was fine until it came to talking about renting my condo. And blocking my escape route by having someone move into the condo with a year lease. It's not where a true panic attack happened, but one in my subconscious where I didn't even realize where the feelings were coming from. At first it was subtle, like me being extra crabby when it came to moving. Then it turned into me being more critical of the relationship and we started fighting more. Until finally I realized that I wasn't comfortable moving out of my safety net. That moving when there was no ring or promise meant taking a leap of faith that I wasn't confident enough in the relationship to take. But despite those hesitations, I thought maybe we just need more time to see where it goes without the pressure of anything.

And there were things I liked - don't get me wrong, I didn't spend those 8 months entirely unhappy. But over time there were subtle differences in opinion, personal views, thoughts on what good interaction looked like. Nothing that was an outright deal breaker, but enough to create some friction. We had open discussion about our doubts, but I think many of us women have a dream for the future and sometimes ignore the little things that don't fit into our hope for the role that person will be in our life.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to abandon the hope of what you could have or what that person might become in your life and realize what they are, and that while they don't make you miserable, they also don't make you happy. I don't mean flowers and sweet nothings happy, let's be realistic. But it was hard to not only recognize that while we weren't blatantly wrong for each other, we also weren't right in a way that would sustain 20 years or more.

And it was even harder to act on it, until a question that was meant with good intent started a fight that gave me a moment of clarity. I found the quiet peace that comes with knowing 100% deep down in your soul that while this next action is going to suck, it's the right thing for ME. This is a long conversation over text, I was actually in an airport about to board a plane which is why I took the text route instead of being that girl crying on the phone in the middle of a bunch of strangers. Yes, I broke up with him through text. Then I walked on that airplane, shut off my phone, and had a few silent tears that I tried to hide as best as I could while being sandwiched in the middle seat between two strangers.

This is what brought me my moment of clarity (I'm the green bubble on the right):

I feel like I should mention at this point that the next day was a party for his Grandmother's 80th birthday, and I would be meeting all his extended family there. So my question was knowing I'd be meeting them a day later, but wanting to be respectful of the fact that he may want one on one time with some of them as they live out of state.

If this were a movie, Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" would be playing during the plane take off. It actually was in my head during that exact moment. So here we go again, friends. Back to the world of being single and dating. May it be as much of an adventure as the last few times, and hopefully you and I can have some laughs together along this next journey! ;)

To the Doggie Roommate:

Some people make the blog because they are assholes. Some have genuine honest intentions, but I just turn into a mean person and laugh at them. This is one of those times that I'm the asshole. I got this message, and it started my Sunday off with a nice laugh.

The message started off normal, but when I got to the dog part I just started giggling. I mean really, this is part of your first impression, and if this is the level of conversation you start out with? I don't even want to think about the pain I'd be in on that first date! I actually had a really bad first date the other night. It was one of those where 5 minutes in you know you want to vault over the patio railing and run to your car as fast as you can. From the second I saw his body language and heard his tonal inflection it got my hackles up. First topic turned into the "Amazon Scandal." Which I thought was referring to the email I got telling me I'd get a credit on my account because people got overcharged, but he was referring to them editing the word Nigger out of Huckleberry Finn. And how he could never own an eReader because they could do that and he'd want to print out everything just to know that nobody had tampered with it.... That just really doesn't bother me that much as long as they mark it as edited or unedited versions. Topic 2, we disagreed on as well. You know it's a bad sign when I only drink one glass of wine at happy hour, and that's exactly what happened cause I wanted an empty glass so I could make a getaway at the first opportunity. After a 30 minute lecture on making wine, where he assumed I had no knowledge of anything and was incredibly arrogant, did he finally ask me a question about myself....45-60 minutes in. I ran away as soon as it wasn't entirely rude of me! But I digress... back to The Doggie Roommate who was giving me visions of a similar painful date.

I still went to his profile out of curiosity. Yes, sometimes I look at car crashes, and this felt no different. I bet this guy has a little dog that he dresses in sweaters. He put the dog first in his self summary even before being a teacher, which by the way - can you imagine being in his class after reading his message and profile??? These are the things that define him and he wants to highlight to his world of potential love interests?

This wild man goes to Target almost once a week. Oh hunny, no wonder I seem incredibly fun! He just would go on overload if he had gone to the Murder Mystery Dinner Theater with me Friday, out with friends Sat night, and to brunch at O.H.S.O. Sunday. In his book, I must be such a wild child because I like to incorporate new experiences a few times a month. So I'm sorry Richie, but even though we match in beliefs and had high percentages, I think you might just be a bit dull for my tastes. I want more out of life than weekly trips to Target... and you'd always love your dog more!

To the Astronaut....

I got this lovely message the other day:

And I just had to see the profile of the gentlemen who would send such an enticing invitation. Words cannot describe.... So take a journey with me in pictures:

 

Somebody didn't read my anti-drug policy and needs to reference my earlier flow chart!

This is a Test...

Sometimes I love people! I got this message in my in box the other day:

Ummm, I wrote my profile, and answered over 400 questions. I think I'm good in the basic reading and writing department! My mind went in a few different directions when I first read it:

• How many girls does this guy run into that can't read or write?
• Maybe he's trying to be funny? Or original? 
• OR maybe this is a genius way to save your ego!!! Girl didn't respond, well that's not because I sent her an odd message doubting her IQ - she didn't respond because she failed the Quick Literacy Test! Poor dear who's trying online dating but can't read, good thing we weeded her out!

I'm still wondering how many times he's used that and actually gotten a response? 

To The "Hopeless Romantic"

Actions speak louder than pretty words, and in some cases, the things you don't ask say the most! I received this message from Shane on Oct. 26:

Morning :) I'm Shane, loved reading about you, finding a man inside and out is possible...I am a hopeless romantic :) I would like to chat with you and see where it leads if you are interested? 

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

~ Swedish Proverb

Ok, the swedish proverb was pretty cheesy, but I can take a little cheese if it's genuine, and he seemed very ambitious from his profile. Just in the first paragraph he mentioned trying to become Dad of the Year, acheiving his second publication, and climbing the business ladder of success; so I emailed back to see where it went:

Hi Shane!

I must admit I found your profile intriguing. How are you doing on your 2012 goals? I'm assuming so many of your pictures are more posed/professional as a result of the second publication you mentioned? How many kids do you have? And most importantly, when you aren't conquering the universe, what are the things you like to do in your down time? Anything outdoors and new experiences are pretty general - what was the last new experience that you had and enjoyed? 

Have a great Friday!

Katie

In turn he asked if he could call or text me. There were a few basic texts of intro, hi/how are you, and then at 10:34 on Halloween night:

Seriously? His profile was so promising! Yet, he never answered any of my initial questions, nor asked anything to show that he was interested in actually getting to know me. I will not be anyone's booty call - if you want to know who I am, then be respectful and plan a time ahead!

I thought I conveyed that appropriately, but then two nights later, I got another message at 11:08 pm....

I'm glad he was laughing, cause I thought my boot pic was a pretty hilarious response too! At that point I decided I was done with this guy who only seemed interested in me when he was lonely late at night, and decided not to respond (in addition to ignoring the text at 1:27 am that same night asking "U done kicking the boots lol").

Then the next night, at 1:12 am (as I was coming home from a really fun first date with another guy who actually bothered to have email conversation with me and make plans ahead) I got the last in the series of Shane's late night texting weekend, "How was your night cow girl :)" Part of me was tempted to tell him I just had a great first date, but I refrained. 

So here's the point of this whole story. I think his idea of what hopeless romantic means and my definition vary a bit. I would agree, he's hopeless in the dating world, but saying he's a romantic? This might not make much sense to you Shane, but asking me to be your late night visitor is NOT romantic! I would like to make amendments to his introductory email based on my experience:

Morning :) I'm Shane, loved reading about you, but really I just looked at your pictures, oops!, finding a man inside and out is possible, but it probably isn't me...I am a hopeless romantic :) Did I type that wrong? I meant romantically hopeless! I would like to chat with you and see where it leads if you are interested? But honestly, I'm only actually interested if it leads to you doing unladylike things to me late at night. 

Those who wish to sing, always find a song. And some girls are dumb enough just to see my pretty words and not listen to the music - I'm hoping you're one of them! 

So Shane, good luck with your pursuit of happiness, but unfortunately I listen to the music and for the things you haven't said or asked. Despite your well thought our lyrics, we do not dance to the same song!

To ChristianGrey67

Since I've been broadcasting my online search for love, I've been hearing from other friends about their experiences and pitfalls on the road to Mr. Right. Some people have even texted me whenever they hear about dating opportunities (there's a pheromone dating event at Red Revolver Lounge on Nov 16th where for $35 I can smell guys dirty shirts and see which ones have pheromones that I'm attracted too. LOL, any takers to go with me? I didn't think so...) This post comes from a message sent to my girl friend:

Out of curiosity, I went to his profile for her (she's also on OKCupid.com). This is what Ted had to say about himself:

My self-summary

I am a Dominant man looking for a submissive woman. While I have a strong desire to lead I still remain a gentleman in public I open doors and pull out chairs

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I am a married man looking for a daytime friend and lover

You should message me if

You are married or don't mind that I am. Submissive or submissive curious

Again, kudos for being direct about what you want, and to each his own even if it's not my choosing for myself. Here's the part of the whole thing that stood out the most to me about Mr. Christiangrey67 (no, there aren't 66 other Christangrey_'s...I searched it). He has a kid, but doesn't want more. He's 50, which means his kid could be 20-30 years old and on this exact same dating site...Could you imagine finding this out about your Dad through OKCupid???  

Holly better be happy I did the dirty work for her of checking out his profile, I got a message from him the next day saying, "you looked at my profile, but didn't say anything. Hmmmm." 

Which I ignored. And then a day later, another message from him:

"You read my e mail and looked at my profile then nothing??? Hmmm"

Seriously sir? It means I read about you, and decided I wasn't into you. Stop "hmmmm"ing at me and accept the fact: while there might be 50 Shades of Grey, this one is black and white for me!