But somewhere in there this nagging feeling came. We talked about me moving into his new house with him, and that was fine until it came to talking about renting my condo. And blocking my escape route by having someone move into the condo with a year lease. It's not where a true panic attack happened, but one in my subconscious where I didn't even realize where the feelings were coming from. At first it was subtle, like me being extra crabby when it came to moving. Then it turned into me being more critical of the relationship and we started fighting more. Until finally I realized that I wasn't comfortable moving out of my safety net. That moving when there was no ring or promise meant taking a leap of faith that I wasn't confident enough in the relationship to take. But despite those hesitations, I thought maybe we just need more time to see where it goes without the pressure of anything.
And there were things I liked - don't get me wrong, I didn't spend those 8 months entirely unhappy. But over time there were subtle differences in opinion, personal views, thoughts on what good interaction looked like. Nothing that was an outright deal breaker, but enough to create some friction. We had open discussion about our doubts, but I think many of us women have a dream for the future and sometimes ignore the little things that don't fit into our hope for the role that person will be in our life.
Sometimes the hardest thing is to abandon the hope of what you could have or what that person might become in your life and realize what they are, and that while they don't make you miserable, they also don't make you happy. I don't mean flowers and sweet nothings happy, let's be realistic. But it was hard to not only recognize that while we weren't blatantly wrong for each other, we also weren't right in a way that would sustain 20 years or more.
And it was even harder to act on it, until a question that was meant with good intent started a fight that gave me a moment of clarity. I found the quiet peace that comes with knowing 100% deep down in your soul that while this next action is going to suck, it's the right thing for ME. This is a long conversation over text, I was actually in an airport about to board a plane which is why I took the text route instead of being that girl crying on the phone in the middle of a bunch of strangers. Yes, I broke up with him through text. Then I walked on that airplane, shut off my phone, and had a few silent tears that I tried to hide as best as I could while being sandwiched in the middle seat between two strangers.
This is what brought me my moment of clarity (I'm the green bubble on the right):
I feel like I should mention at this point that the next day was a party for his Grandmother's 80th birthday, and I would be meeting all his extended family there. So my question was knowing I'd be meeting them a day later, but wanting to be respectful of the fact that he may want one on one time with some of them as they live out of state.
If this were a movie, Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" would be playing during the plane take off. It actually was in my head during that exact moment. So here we go again, friends. Back to the world of being single and dating. May it be as much of an adventure as the last few times, and hopefully you and I can have some laughs together along this next journey! ;)
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