To The "Dominant Male"

I'm proud to say I still have some of my innocence! I was initially completely confused by the following email:

honesty

Hello, I am looking for a woman that is open minded and not afraid to step out side the box {comfort zone}i am looking for a D/s relationship. were to people can grow and have a mental and physical conection...if this sounds like you contact me ...Dont let life slip away lets talk about it and see if we click..

D/s relationship? Here's my exact thoughts as I read the email:

Hello, I am looking for a woman that is open minded and not afraid to step out side the box {comfort zone} Well that's nice, mikearizona1965, I like adventurous people too, however I can tell you like 18-36 year olds since you feel the need to explain what it means to step outside of the box. i am looking for a D/s relationship. Huh? Divorced/Single? were to people can grow and have a mental and physical connection...Oh if only people could still spell and use the right homophones! I would like a mental and physical connection with the person I date too - who doesn't? But I feel like I'm missing the meaning of what you're saying for some reason. if this sounds like you contact me ...Dont let life slip away lets talk about it and see if we click.. Uhhh?

So I went back and read his profile a second time:

dominant male here looking
I am looking for a woman that is open minded..(sub)... my friends say i am very caring, loving ,nurturing,person i like traveling to vegas. i like going to the lake, renting wave runers, going to the movies. i like going out to dinner.Im not looking for a woman that wants to just be with a guy a couple times a week. i am looking for a friend as well as a lover, two people that can stand being next to each other. I am interested in young woman as well as older woman, age does not matter to me as long as we have fun and live life...

Then it dawned on me! D/s = Dominant/submissive?!? Do they really even cap locks the
dominant one, but not the submissive? My default is always to google something I don't know about, and it turns out, wikipedia knows more about sex than I do! Dominance and submission is not solely based on physical contact; rather, it focused on control and power exchange. It can be intensely physical and emotional, but incorporates a safe word so the situation does not go out of control or become abusive. I'm all for keeping thing interesting in the bedroom, but evidently I am kinda "vanilla!" The list of possible D/s activities in wiki included: erotic humiliation, sexual slavery, verbal humiliation, fetishes, whipping, golden showers, and bondage.

Oh Match.com, you never cease to surprise me! I'm all for whatever people want to do behind closed doors (I do work in a lingerie store!) and my first thought was "Sorry Dude, I'd be the dominant one if I ever decided to get into that!" I'm all for a pair of furry handcuffs, but the thought of dog collars, whips and golden showers is a little beyond me!

So sorry mikearizona1965, you can't put a leash on me!

To The One Who's Date I Fell Asleep During....

This story needs some background before I start into it. As most of you probably know if you're reading this, I've practically been screaming on Facebook how single I am by posting links to this blog. It so happens that as a result I had a acquaintance from high school take an interest and ask me out, and I figured why not, I don't remember ever having a crush on him, but it's ten years later, let's see what happens! It's not like match.com is the ONLY place I can get a date from anymore!

Our evening was scheduled for a Friday, and by Friday morning I think I'd already hit 40 hours in the store not counting my shift that day or saturday, and with my second job of responding to emails from match.comers (there are 16 different gentlemen in my inbox who have unknowingly passed several of the initial hoops, jumps and twirls and I'm emailing with, along with another who my friend Karen introduced me to through Facebook, Dave I hope you're not reading this!) I've been getting an average of about 5 hours of sleep. The previous night I'd gone out with some girlfriends and after about 3 drinks, this was me on the car ride home at midnight. Klassy with a K right? But this narcoleptic moment is pertinent to our story for my date the next night. So Friday rolls around, and I'm a bit tired, but I'm not going to cancel because that's rude, right?

We met for dinner, and as I recognize him and walk over I realized he's in the "shorter than thou" category by at least six inches in the shoes I was wearing. As you know from an earlier blog, I have a height complex. But I decided that I was going to throw it out the door, and get to know someone for who they are and see if I could date a shorter man. I'm not going to go into too many details, but conversation was decent, he was very sweet and genuine, has passions that he's pursuing in life, and overall will be a great catch for someone. After dinner we had planned to see Friends With Benefits, but the only options that would work with dinner was a 10:30 showing....I think you all can see where this is going.

I made it through the previews, but right about when the movie started my tummy was full, the theater was dark, and I had one of those long blinks. You know, where your eyes close, and it doesn't feel like you fell asleep until you realize you have no idea how Justin Timberlake wound up in New York City? Yeah, one of those. And out of the corner of my eye, I swear I saw his head turning away from me...I'd been caught! I was mortified, no wonder I'm single, I behave badly during first dates and fall asleep - who does that?

I guess it could have been worse, I could have drifted off in the middle of conversation before the previews started. My mother will testify that I've fallen asleep sitting up for ten minute power naps my entire life, which is great in a plane but not on a date! From here on out, I'm drinking like two red bulls AND a venti coffee first - at least then I won't get a second date because he thinks I'm a junkie when I'm really just shaking from all the caffeine cause I don't want to have a narcoleptic moment!  After my ten minutes in dreamland, I was so embarrassed I stayed awake the rest of the movie (it helped that the movie was hilarious).

When we were walking to our cars, I started to get nervous about the whole ending the date moments. It was enjoyable, but I didn't have much of an inclination to kiss him, crap he's shorter than me, Katie stop being so judgmental, were all whizzing through my head. I was so nervous, I kinda leaned down to hug him and thanked him for the date and then ran off to my car. And in that moment I knew. Even though I debated it with myself the entire rest of the weekend because I don't consider myself to be a superficial bitch. It was during the lean down I realized...I have a height complex that can not be solved no matter how open I try to keep my mind.

That leads us to this morning. I took the completely wimpy way out and sent him a text, but a text is better than nothing at all right? I could have played the games that so many girls do of being busy or not responding, etc. But since I had a previous connection to him, I just didn't have the guts for a live phone conversation!

I went for full honesty "Hey XXXX, I have to be honest with you because I don't want to waste your time. I can't get past the fact that you're shorter than I am. I realize it's really superficial to say that, but it's true, and I don't want to lead you on."

Which makes me a huge jerk (no pun intended), but I'm not out to hurt anyone, and the way I see it, it's better to rip off a bandaid with honesty and try to be as fair as possible to the people you interact with. I still can't believe I fell asleep though.....

To the Boy with the 4.0 GPA

This will be my meanest post so far...but god I almost cried laughing!


Hey beautiful, I know you probably get this a lot but I'm going to say it anyways, you are absolutely gorgeous sweetheart. My name is Marcus by the way and I would love to get to know you a little bit more that is if your interested..?If you would like you could email me at xxxxxxxxx@talkmatch.com or you could even text me at 623-217-XXXX call or text me i would love to talk to you some time sweetie. Looking forward to hearing from you.
About Me

I am 22 years old
5' 8" Tall
Slim / Athletic Body type
Currently enrolled at ITT Tech for my Bachelors in Information Technology and Security
Currently have a 4.0 GPA and maintain it but putting it first as well as i do with my family
I am a student aid as well as a tutor for my school
I do make my own hours except for the time I'm at school so I am free most days
Common interests include films, music, comedy shows, quads, hunting, off-roading, dunes etc.


Oh honey bunch, you are going to get eaten alive on match.com!!! But your 4.0 GPA and tutoring experience make you just so endearing! I'm picturing in my head a super eagle scout, so I flipped back through the photos, and just what you'd expect, a young, fresh face void of much facial hair, glasses, skinny white boy. My first thought after I called my girlfriend laughing was I bet he's a virgin. But he does address that on his profile as well, and oh am I wrong!


"I am looking for something real for once. Not looking for just sex, would like to take a break from sex for awhile. I'm looking for something a little more serious. Someone that I can talk to, hang out with, go on dates with, movies or whatever. Someone that would enjoy going out on my boat with me, or off roading, rock crawling, or sight seeing in my jeep, Road trips, etc. I'm looking for someone that can hold a conversation."


Yeah, I'd like to take a break from sex too, that's why I joined this dating website as well, Marcus! Oh, but you adorable shiny faced little boy - I hope you find a nice girl on here and fall in love!

To the Man Looking for a Short Term Relationship while on Vacation

This is from a guy who's listed as living in Tempe...

hey how are you doing .. am here for a vacation .. and am going back home in the first of august .. am here single here dont know any body i got car time .. if u are interesting to having short term relationship and having good time hit me .. am ready do do what you ask me :) i wish to know you better .. waiting to here from you :)


That phrase "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" comes to mind! So this guy is 25, are you really here on vacation if you're listing Tempe as your city, or do you just want a handy little ten day fling before school starts? I guess it's convenient *IF* your story is true, that you would have "car time." I mean seriously, does this mean mom and dad said you can have the car some nights of vacation if you meet some nice kids?


I'm a little intrigued by the "am ready to do what you ask me" because an offer like that...I have a laundry list! Can you please clean my carpets unf1234? Because when I bought my condo I told myself I'd shampoo them once a year and still haven't gotten around to it now that there's all this furniture on it. Or how about the woodpecker hole on the second story outside my bedroom window? The HOA has been slow to fix that as well. And my garage door is squeaky, while you're driving around AZ aimlessly on your  super exciting sounding vacation, can you pick up some WD40 for me and figure out what part is making that terrible noise? Now that's what I'm talking about! 


But the biggest reason I'm declining this gleaming offer of fun....I love traveling, anyone who has gone on vacation with me knows I pre plan to do options so that we can do whatever we feel like without that bored, stuck in the hotel cause we don't know the area feeling. And while I do admire his resourcefulness, unf1234, you just don't plan a good enough vacation for me!

To Loociphur

So, my trusty iPhone pushes me all kinds of match.com notifications, and I laughed out loud when I read that I'd received a "wink" from Loociphur. My first thought was "ya wanna dance with the devil?" And before I viewed his profile I made two bets with myself

1) I bet he's looking for a female between 18 - 35!
2) I think his appearance will be tough guy with tattoos, either in a heavy metal or ghetto way.

Loociphur is indeed a 28 year old 6 foot tall male Latino in Phoenix, never married, seeking a woman between 18 - 35. From his pictures he falls more into ghetto than rocker. He lists himself as Christian/Catholic, however he must not be a very good catholic if he's spelling Lucifer wrong. I mean, the devil is a major player in religion, right? And Loociphur, if you want to portray your toughness in your name, there are other ways to do it! I'm sure quality women are flocking to wink back at you with a misspelled name like yours, but according to Wikipedia, Lucifer refers to the devil before being cast of out heaven....Are you calling yourself a fallen angel tough guy? Other biblical references name "lucifer" in reference to the "Morning Star," ahhh, that's sweet too.

Really, the fact that you winked at me disqualified you automatically, but you had about ten other things against you as well, but thanks for the laugh! I hope you find just the angel you've been looking for!

To the "Yoda-speaker"

This gentleman who emailed me was a little older than my desired age range at 43, but was attractive, 6'1" (we all know how important that is to me), and is  seeking a woman 27-35. So far, doing OK. I like to form my impression off their profile before I read their email in case I get any warning twinges. The only things I initially noticed was he's been divorced (baggage), a lack of punctuation and an interest in video games (I once dated a guy who was way into video games and it has become a huge pet peeve if a guy plays them while I'm over. I'm taking time out of my life to be available for you, do the same please - I know there's a save game option on most games!). Then I opened the email.

"you have a really great profile very interesting woman you are lol"


Thanks Yoda! I even tried to mentally punctuate it so it would sound like normal conversation


You have a really great profile, very interesting woman you are! LOL............No..........


You have a really great profile! Very. Interesting. Woman. You are! LOL :)..............No............


You have a really great profile. Very interesting! Woman you are! LOL............No.............


No matter what, I kept hearing the voice of the little green man! This is your first impression, why would you not re-read a sentence as short as that so make sure all the words came out in the right order? Unfortunately, the force was not with you..... and I won't be either!

To the Men looking for a Woman between 18-34

I'm 30 years old and proud of it - it means I've had time to experience life a bit, strike out on my own, learn who I am, and get some of the crazy out of me. Don't get me wrong, I still know how to have a good time, but my good times no longer consists of streaking drunk across public parks!

So when I find men 35+ who have the age range of 18 listed as a possible person they could date, it turns me off from them. I mean, really, you're old enough to be their father! An 18 year old female in most cases hasn't lived away from their parents and learned to take care of themselves. They need someone to show them how to survive on their own - do you really want to be their next care taker? They haven't had a chance to have a credit card and learn to be financially responsible. Do you want to assume the debt from her splurges? They have drama, drama, and drama in their lives. Most men tune out their wives who are actually relatively sane - can you really sit in the middle of a high school cafeteria without cringing at the conversations around you? What about this typical young woman is attractive besides their "high school skinny," firm boobs, lack of spider veins and cellulite? Which sounds great...til they open their mouths!

I am nothing like an under 20 female! While they aren't bad women, I do see them lacking in certain areas for any genuine male over the age of 25. The differences between someone in high school and college are enough to keep most relationships from succeeding; much less someone who's established themselves and their life. It's about being in the same place in your life and wanting the same things, not just a physical chemistry. So unfortunately, Mr. Open to all ages, I'm not open to you!

To the "Winkers"

So on Match.com, one of the options to begin interaction is to send someone a "wink." After the wink, you have the choice to wink back or send him an email. It's like the games people play in a bar, you catch them looking at you, you send a demure eye-fuck back, etc. But isn't this why I tried online dating - because I'm tired of the bar scene and the games??? Good communication is one of the most important things I want in a relationship. I'd rather get a straight up email saying "hi, I'd like to get to know you", not go through this passive winking stuff with someone who isn't confident enough to start the conversation.

So I added a new section in my about me and who I'm looking for now it reads:


"I'm a girl looking for love, I know who I am, and I enjoy the simple things daily as well as the large adventures. I value honesty and truth in a relationship more than anything. I want someone who is genuinely interested in creating something long term.

With that said, please don't wink at me on here, I value communication and want someone confident enough to approach me with conversation. ....."

It is amazing how many people are still sending winks - and the winkers are automatically disqualifying themselves because they didn't even to take the time to read my profile. They probably just flipped through a few pictures and sent a wink. Would a man who's serious about finding something amazing not even read about who she is or what she likes to do? I wouldn't do that, so I'm giving them the same consideration they have given me, and every wink is getting a "polite reply No, Thanks," no matter how cute their photo is.....

To the one who forgot he already emailed me:

Him:

hey cutie

I loved your profile! I'm Cam, nice to meet you : )

Me:

Thanks! I still need to go back and add some personality outside of the pick n click answers! I liked your story in your profile. Are you from here and stayed in Colorado after college? Or some other journey throughout the US? Nice to meet you, too!

Him:

you're very pretty!

Uhhhhh, and unfortunately for you Cam, I'm also smart.....

To the Grad Student:

This next email made me actually double check what I'd written in my profile, and yup it definitely says, "I'm a girl looking for love, I know who I am, and I enjoy the simple things daily as well as the large adventures. I value honesty and truth in a relationship more than anything. I want someone who is genuinely interested in creating something long term."

Him:
Hey,

I'm a media executive, just finished grad school at Stanford, did my undergrad at Harvard, and originally from southern Europe. I've got to say, you seem like an incredibly interesting and exciting person, at least according to your profile - not to mention one of the most beautiful girls I've seen in a long, long time.

I'd love to take you out sometime, and be bad with you :-)

Best,
M.


Did I really just get asked for a one night stand? And did this 25 year old in California read anything on my profile? His "About him and what he's looking for" says, "At this point in my life, I'm not looking for a long-term thing, but who knows? :) " He's supposedly doing some journalistic work, but I think his deductive powers of reasoning might need just a few more impressive colleges to fuel them so they're firing with all cylinders! I almost don't know how to respond to this one.....

To all the shorties.....

How much of a bitch did this conversation make me??? And how do you politely say," I'm sorry, you're just too short little man - that's why my looking for section specified 6ft+ and your 5'8" just won't cut it if I'm wearing a three inch heel and have to lean DOWN to kiss you....."

Him:
Hi! My name is Matteo. I live near Phoenix, but I am temporarily staying in Charlotte, NC, for work. I will be back to AZ in about a month.

I have decided to write to you because your profile (and your smile) totally caught my attention. It looks like we have a lot in common, from our political and religious view to our love for the outdoors. Do you enjoy hiking and yoga too? It could really be a good match!

I would like to have the opportunity to know you better!

I look forward to hearing from you!

Matteo


Me:

Matteo,

Thanks so much for the email. I'm going to sound so superficial and mean, but while we do have a lot of in common, I have found that if I can't wear a 3 inch heel with a guy I don't feel as feminine around them, which is something important to me. And kissing someone when I'm taller (even with the help of heels) feels funny. I feel like a huge jerk for admitting it, but I don't want not respond because you seem like a great person! Good luck with your search for love!

Katie

It Begins...

Late at night, feeling lonely...and so begins my match.com experience. I didn't do much expanding in my profile - I wasn't totally sure I'd sign up until after I'd been on the site and checked out the guys. So I clicked yes, no and any other optional answers to a variety of question, uploaded a few photos and was off!

I'm not looking to spend hours browsing people's profiles, it feels a bit to much like myspace in my first venture into social networking. So I decided to only look at profiles it suggests, or people who email me. 

Less than an hour later, I had my first email:

"After reading your profile I thought your really long neck was kinda cute so I had to say "hi"

Really Vampire Boy? Thanks for the roundabout insult, I am not a giraffe! I think the only thing creepier would be if someone sent me an email asking me to post pics of my feet....With that said, I'm kinda excited to see what the next creepy comment with be - Here goes nothing!