To the Doggie Roommate:

Some people make the blog because they are assholes. Some have genuine honest intentions, but I just turn into a mean person and laugh at them. This is one of those times that I'm the asshole. I got this message, and it started my Sunday off with a nice laugh.

The message started off normal, but when I got to the dog part I just started giggling. I mean really, this is part of your first impression, and if this is the level of conversation you start out with? I don't even want to think about the pain I'd be in on that first date! I actually had a really bad first date the other night. It was one of those where 5 minutes in you know you want to vault over the patio railing and run to your car as fast as you can. From the second I saw his body language and heard his tonal inflection it got my hackles up. First topic turned into the "Amazon Scandal." Which I thought was referring to the email I got telling me I'd get a credit on my account because people got overcharged, but he was referring to them editing the word Nigger out of Huckleberry Finn. And how he could never own an eReader because they could do that and he'd want to print out everything just to know that nobody had tampered with it.... That just really doesn't bother me that much as long as they mark it as edited or unedited versions. Topic 2, we disagreed on as well. You know it's a bad sign when I only drink one glass of wine at happy hour, and that's exactly what happened cause I wanted an empty glass so I could make a getaway at the first opportunity. After a 30 minute lecture on making wine, where he assumed I had no knowledge of anything and was incredibly arrogant, did he finally ask me a question about myself....45-60 minutes in. I ran away as soon as it wasn't entirely rude of me! But I digress... back to The Doggie Roommate who was giving me visions of a similar painful date.

I still went to his profile out of curiosity. Yes, sometimes I look at car crashes, and this felt no different. I bet this guy has a little dog that he dresses in sweaters. He put the dog first in his self summary even before being a teacher, which by the way - can you imagine being in his class after reading his message and profile??? These are the things that define him and he wants to highlight to his world of potential love interests?

This wild man goes to Target almost once a week. Oh hunny, no wonder I seem incredibly fun! He just would go on overload if he had gone to the Murder Mystery Dinner Theater with me Friday, out with friends Sat night, and to brunch at O.H.S.O. Sunday. In his book, I must be such a wild child because I like to incorporate new experiences a few times a month. So I'm sorry Richie, but even though we match in beliefs and had high percentages, I think you might just be a bit dull for my tastes. I want more out of life than weekly trips to Target... and you'd always love your dog more!

To the Astronaut....

I got this lovely message the other day:

And I just had to see the profile of the gentlemen who would send such an enticing invitation. Words cannot describe.... So take a journey with me in pictures:

 

Somebody didn't read my anti-drug policy and needs to reference my earlier flow chart!

This is a Test...

Sometimes I love people! I got this message in my in box the other day:

Ummm, I wrote my profile, and answered over 400 questions. I think I'm good in the basic reading and writing department! My mind went in a few different directions when I first read it:

• How many girls does this guy run into that can't read or write?
• Maybe he's trying to be funny? Or original? 
• OR maybe this is a genius way to save your ego!!! Girl didn't respond, well that's not because I sent her an odd message doubting her IQ - she didn't respond because she failed the Quick Literacy Test! Poor dear who's trying online dating but can't read, good thing we weeded her out!

I'm still wondering how many times he's used that and actually gotten a response? 

To The "Hopeless Romantic"

Actions speak louder than pretty words, and in some cases, the things you don't ask say the most! I received this message from Shane on Oct. 26:

Morning :) I'm Shane, loved reading about you, finding a man inside and out is possible...I am a hopeless romantic :) I would like to chat with you and see where it leads if you are interested? 

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

~ Swedish Proverb

Ok, the swedish proverb was pretty cheesy, but I can take a little cheese if it's genuine, and he seemed very ambitious from his profile. Just in the first paragraph he mentioned trying to become Dad of the Year, acheiving his second publication, and climbing the business ladder of success; so I emailed back to see where it went:

Hi Shane!

I must admit I found your profile intriguing. How are you doing on your 2012 goals? I'm assuming so many of your pictures are more posed/professional as a result of the second publication you mentioned? How many kids do you have? And most importantly, when you aren't conquering the universe, what are the things you like to do in your down time? Anything outdoors and new experiences are pretty general - what was the last new experience that you had and enjoyed? 

Have a great Friday!

Katie

In turn he asked if he could call or text me. There were a few basic texts of intro, hi/how are you, and then at 10:34 on Halloween night:

Seriously? His profile was so promising! Yet, he never answered any of my initial questions, nor asked anything to show that he was interested in actually getting to know me. I will not be anyone's booty call - if you want to know who I am, then be respectful and plan a time ahead!

I thought I conveyed that appropriately, but then two nights later, I got another message at 11:08 pm....

I'm glad he was laughing, cause I thought my boot pic was a pretty hilarious response too! At that point I decided I was done with this guy who only seemed interested in me when he was lonely late at night, and decided not to respond (in addition to ignoring the text at 1:27 am that same night asking "U done kicking the boots lol").

Then the next night, at 1:12 am (as I was coming home from a really fun first date with another guy who actually bothered to have email conversation with me and make plans ahead) I got the last in the series of Shane's late night texting weekend, "How was your night cow girl :)" Part of me was tempted to tell him I just had a great first date, but I refrained. 

So here's the point of this whole story. I think his idea of what hopeless romantic means and my definition vary a bit. I would agree, he's hopeless in the dating world, but saying he's a romantic? This might not make much sense to you Shane, but asking me to be your late night visitor is NOT romantic! I would like to make amendments to his introductory email based on my experience:

Morning :) I'm Shane, loved reading about you, but really I just looked at your pictures, oops!, finding a man inside and out is possible, but it probably isn't me...I am a hopeless romantic :) Did I type that wrong? I meant romantically hopeless! I would like to chat with you and see where it leads if you are interested? But honestly, I'm only actually interested if it leads to you doing unladylike things to me late at night. 

Those who wish to sing, always find a song. And some girls are dumb enough just to see my pretty words and not listen to the music - I'm hoping you're one of them! 

So Shane, good luck with your pursuit of happiness, but unfortunately I listen to the music and for the things you haven't said or asked. Despite your well thought our lyrics, we do not dance to the same song!

To ChristianGrey67

Since I've been broadcasting my online search for love, I've been hearing from other friends about their experiences and pitfalls on the road to Mr. Right. Some people have even texted me whenever they hear about dating opportunities (there's a pheromone dating event at Red Revolver Lounge on Nov 16th where for $35 I can smell guys dirty shirts and see which ones have pheromones that I'm attracted too. LOL, any takers to go with me? I didn't think so...) This post comes from a message sent to my girl friend:

Out of curiosity, I went to his profile for her (she's also on OKCupid.com). This is what Ted had to say about himself:

My self-summary

I am a Dominant man looking for a submissive woman. While I have a strong desire to lead I still remain a gentleman in public I open doors and pull out chairs

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I am a married man looking for a daytime friend and lover

You should message me if

You are married or don't mind that I am. Submissive or submissive curious

Again, kudos for being direct about what you want, and to each his own even if it's not my choosing for myself. Here's the part of the whole thing that stood out the most to me about Mr. Christiangrey67 (no, there aren't 66 other Christangrey_'s...I searched it). He has a kid, but doesn't want more. He's 50, which means his kid could be 20-30 years old and on this exact same dating site...Could you imagine finding this out about your Dad through OKCupid???  

Holly better be happy I did the dirty work for her of checking out his profile, I got a message from him the next day saying, "you looked at my profile, but didn't say anything. Hmmmm." 

Which I ignored. And then a day later, another message from him:

"You read my e mail and looked at my profile then nothing??? Hmmm"

Seriously sir? It means I read about you, and decided I wasn't into you. Stop "hmmmm"ing at me and accept the fact: while there might be 50 Shades of Grey, this one is black and white for me!

To the Spanker:

You all know my system: Read message, Look at picture, look at our match/friend/enemy stats, check out height details, read the profile. Decide to respond or not. This one made it to the read the profile section, and that's when I lost it!

Take my journey with me....

Message:

hey hows it going hon hows life been treating you lately

Pictures: Normal, no reasons to eliminate him

Stats: 83% Match, 63% Friend, 14% Enemy

Height: 6 feet tall

Profile:

My self-summary

Im going to be very upfront Im basically here trying to see if theres anyone else in my area that has the same awesome yet unfortunately uncommon interest of spankings, and no that is not code word for fwb's or a booty call or whatever these kids are calling it nowadays I mean spanking as literally as it sounds lol Im not really looking for a serious relationship right now only because honestly there are very few ladies that are willing to come second to school and that is pretty much my only priority at the moment, that plus being in more debt then I care to think about kind of puts being in a serious relationship low on my list. If you want to to know anything else just ask

What I’m doing with my life

Im a medstudent which basically takes up 90% of my life the other 10% I try to enjoy it however I can, playing soccer is my first love and you can probably guess by now what the second is

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Well its not really private anymore but that Im a huge spanking fan

I’m looking for

•               Girls who like guys

•               Ages 18–95

•               Near me, For new friends

You should message me if

you like to get spanked or if you have any interest in finding out what its like :)

No Friends, that is not a joke. This is really his profile. And I've gotta say, kudos for knowing what you're looking for and being straight up about it! I'm sure there's people who read some things on my profile (like where I wrote: The most private thing I’m willing to admit: It makes me sound really superficial, but I can't date someone who is short. And by short, I mean under 5'11". There's something about wearing heels with a guy and still feeling smaller than him that makes me feel feminine. And I hate being the taller one when I'm kissing someone. That make people pass up my profile as well!) However, I can't say that he wants what I want. So thank you for the laugh "usaasu" but I think that'll be the only thing cracking in my house! 

I May not Believe in God, but I do Believe in Karma!

Sometimes things happen for a reason. I'm big on karma, and love when things fall into place. For example today I went to the gym only to find that my garage was blocked by a handyman for the neighbor's condo. Not a big deal, I just called the number on the side of the truck, asked him to move it, and said thank you. But when I got back from the gym, having that number in my phone memory came in handy. No, not because of a magical love connection, but because as I stood naked in my shower ready to clean myself for work, there was no water. Said handyman had turned it off thinking it was for the unit, when it was actually for the entire building. After a moment I called him (thankful that he HAD blocked me in and I had a way to get ahold of him!) and he directed me where to go to turn the water back on. If only he knew during those directions that I was running around trying to find the lever wearing only a sleep shirt and no drawers trying not to flash the neighborhood. But I digress!

I had another I love Karma moment tonight as I was reading my emails. You see, if someone seems normal from their message, I often visit their profile, check out their details, and view some of the answers to the questions they've answered. Tonight, in the "Sorted by Magic" category of question viewing, all I had to do was read the first answer and I knew this gentleman and I would not be friends!

I'm about to open up a bucket of worms and piss some people off. You may not want to keep reading if you are offended by religious discussions.

I brought this up once during my stint on Match.com, but here's a refresher: I consider myself an Atheist. My OkCupid profile states as much, and specifically says "Atheism, but not too serious about it" and in all truth I'm probably more agnostic than anything. According to Wikipedia, "In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively. In the strict sense, however, agnosticism is the view that humanity does not currently possess the requisite knowledge and/or reason to provide sufficient rational grounds to justify the belief that deities either do or do not exist."


To be clear, I respect other people's beliefs and religions. However, I would also like to point out that there are people in jail who claim religious affinities and went to church, yet still committed a crime. And just as I don't think I'm better than anyone based on their religious beliefs, I don't think that they're better than me either. It's a good thing that I creep people's answers to OkCupid questions, because doing so resulted in the following conversation:

So far,  being able to see how people answered questions is my favorite thing about OkCupid; and since most guys don't seem to read some of the major things called out in my profile, you better believe I'm reading theirs. However I feel like I got lucky twice today, and the second time saved me all sorts of time and potential awkwardness, especially when his reply message said:

"Ok. I'm sorry for you and good luck"

No sir, I'm sorry for you and your close minded view of people. Because I'm pretty sure that priests have molested kids, regular church goers have gone to jail for crimes, and not everything good is centered around the church. But thanks for weeding yourself out early and saving me some time!

To the Salesman....

Ya'll know I'm in retail and sold $50,000 in Cutco knives during college. Let me reiterate a popular belief of sales people, "People don't like to be sold, but they love to buy!" And you Kevin, are trying too hard to sell yourself! Obviously I'm not the ultimate guru of people interaction or I wouldn't be on a dating website myself, but I felt like saying, "dude, take a breath!" as I read the following message:

Hello my name is Kevin I'm 39 6'5 265 I grew up in Peoria but currently live in Goodyear I own homes in Waddell and surprise also but they are rentals I own destiny tattoo and as well a monster truck limo business .and weight gym or fitness center ...chivalry is not dead and very much my normal nature,..I'm emotionally and financially secure mostly at this age drama free and would love to talk more if I semi interest u call or txt me 602 303-4XXX u look like a positive person w great energy,.... I am a college grad w degree in psychology ,.. Very patient and very peaceful anyhow have a blessed day hope to hear from you,..u have incredibly gorgeous eyes,... Phone giving me issues if u can't get thru send message in here,...

Does anyone else feel like someone just vomited thoughts on their screen? I mean, wow, he brings up great attributes, but for someone with a 31% enemy rating I'm a little skeptical. And it feels like he's trying too hard, or spewing too many of those catch phrases people think women want to hear. Like those people at the lotion kiosks in the mall that fast talk all the great attributes of their product as you walk by and it makes you want to walk even faster? Even Cupid says "Ya'll Got Issues" instead of the normal "The Two of Us" question comparison....  The honest truth is I'm not into tattoos that cover both a person's entire arms and their neck (which is probably part of why I won't be investigating this further), but the even deeper truth is when someone tries to sell me on something, I pull back. I like to get intrigued and explore more because you said something interesting, not because you just tried to sell me using everything in your arsenal of pretty words. 

Because I feel like it could have been genuine, I did send a message back. I figure take it with a grain of salt, and if something about my thoughts ring true for him and helps him find love faster, then great! This is what I wrote:

"Thank you for your message Kevin. While you seem genuine and possess several really great qualities, I'd like to be perfectly honest with you and hope that it's taken as well meaning as it's intended. Your message had a lot of content in it. And by that I mean it feels like you're trying to sell yourself too hard. You know the kiosk people at the mall? The ones that make you walk faster cause you can feel that they're just trying to sell you on something? Someone recently told me to "try softly" and I think there's a lot of power in that statement. Best wishes in finding love!"

What is comes down to is thank you sir for the information, but I think I'll keep on shopping!

Update: 

He responded back with:

Not at all if you were that perceptive you'd see I had no profile and if I hadn't told you the basics you'd be skeptical yet it was courtesy as for I'm very private and not the buffet type where is allow women to buffet what ever looks tasty,... Lol so let me know and have a blessed night

This is me being mean, but dude, stop vomiting thoughts onto my screen. Pause. Take breaths, and what am I supposed to let you know about? I think at this point we're pretty sure we don't like each other? Now, where is the store directory? Mama needs a new pair of boots....

To the One Who Needs to Go Back to High School English

Ok friends, tell it to me straight: am I unreasonable by being completely turned off by bad grammar and spelling? I know I write in a very stream of consciousness voice and am not perfect. However, I feel like people just might want to re-read their emails before they hit send when it's the only way they are making an impression? Here's the message I received:


richkaleb29: Hey Katie how was your week?


Me:  Hi! My weeks are always busy, and if they aren't I fill up the time so they are! But it was good. How about you? What was the highlight of your week? 


richkaleb29: My weeks are always busy! I am alway busy as I am an insurance adjuster. I play vball on Monday nites at the monistary in a league! Then I have my son every other week! So I keep busy too that is why I am on this site. Your very cute! This weekend I am relaxing cause this week taking my son trick or treating in lake havasu!


How I wanted to respond but didn't because I felt mean:


Richkaleb29, I suspect that you slept through High School English! May I offer you some suggestions?


My weeks are always busy! I am alway busy as I am an insurance adjuster. Repetitive and unclear, why is being an insurance adjuster always busy? Expand on this so that the reader understands the connection.


I play v-ball on Monday nights at the Monastery in a league, and I have my son every other week. Exclamation marks are best used in moderation to properly express excitement. You can not be this excited about everything, it feels forced. Please eliminate at least 3. So I keep busy too. That is why I am on this site. You're very cute! This feels a little ADD, please either finish the thought with something like "and I think we might have a lot in common" or eliminate the compliment altogether.


This weekend, I am relaxing because during the week I'll be taking my son trick or treating in Lake Havasu. Please expand on this thought as to why you are going there, this feels unfinished. It's a good idea to end with a question that relates to something in the woman's profile. It not only shows that you did more than look at her pictures, but also keeps the conversation going and shows interest in getting to know her further.   The way you ended your email leaves the reader uninspired to continue conversation.  Maybe type your emails in Microsoft Word and cut/paste if you need continued grammatical help? Thank you for your consideration, and please: re-read before you hit send!

The Meat-a-tarian.....

Something I like about OKCupid.com (besides their awesome flow chart and analysis of my impending geographically related romantic doom) is that they give statistical data on your likeliness to be a match, friend, or enemy based on the way I answered questions. And they let you view the other person's answers and see where you are similar and different. Yes, it kinda takes some of the conversation out of it, but that's assuming the average person actually takes the time to view stuff like that the way I do, right?

Anyways, I've developed a system to my new hobby of surfing dating profiles in hopes Mr Right might jump out of one of them. I look at the general statistical data and ignore most people who have more than a 15% chance of being my enemy. Then I look at their height (I know - but reference earlier blogs for that rant). Then I skim through pictures. And if they are still interesting, I read their profile. Yeah, I know, I should be all about the content and what they have to say before anything else, but even though I'm not looking for a model, I want to feel some kind of physical spark. Call me what you want for it, but I'm just being honest.

My first AWESOME message on Cupid came from a gentleman who had come across the "near you" feed earlier, but I'd disqualified for a myriad of reasons:

• He is 24
• He has a 26% Enemy rating
• And he looks like a skinny little punk in a wifebeater.

I almost didn't read the email from him, but for the sake of this blog, I'm glad I did! To give a bit of back story, one of my profile pictures is from Warrior Dash where I'm covered in mud and eating a turkey leg. I thought it was a funny, real life way to express who I am in a sea of model poses and self taken mirror pictures. This is essence of Katie $h!t right here!

But this is the message I received:

Call me mean, but I couldn't help myself! People who know me well will tell you my responses weren't exactly true. I was totally playing around out of boredom. I got the drumstick reference, and I'm not so innocent (I did work at Victoria's Secret for 7 years...) but seriously guys, how many women does this approach actually work with?!?  So sorry Mr. Meatatarian, I think I'm going Veggiesaurous on this one!

I'm Baaaack!

Yup folks, I'm back. After a hiatus from online dating because I thought I'd found the one - over a year later I'm back to square one in the dating world. Now here's the thing, I wouldn't have done anything differently over the past year and a half. I fell in love. I gave the relationship everything I had and have no regrets. It just wasn't the right time in both of our lives, and out of still caring for the insensitive asshole who dumped me, I'm not going any further into the details of the relationship's demise. The important thing, I'm back to my normal shenanigans in my search for love, which is good news for ya'll! Let's be real, I'm not emotionally ready to quite jump into dating. I still am working through emotions and although my head knows I'm strong and should move on, my heart's a little slower to jump on board the moving on train. However, I am absolutely ready for a distraction! 

So far, I've tried eHarmony, and during my last blog went on Match.com. This time, on the recommendation of a friend I'm testing out OKCupid.com. And by testing out, I mean I have a blank profile, with no pictures, but have answered about 75 questions. I was a little leery about a free dating site. I think I have always associated someone being willing to pay money to find love as someone more serious about finding it. Imagine my surprise when I received an email from OKCupid.com with a flow chart to my heart. This is based on the few questions I've answered, but sounds pretty true and obvious. If you're looking for true love, don't do drugs, and are willing to meet me in person I'll give you a chance. While that info isn't earth shattering, I never got a flow chart to my heart from the paying websites, and I gotta admit, I felt like I was getting special treatment when I got that email!

The next email in my inbox was even more amusing. Based on how I answered my questions, it gave me a geographical break down of the US and the world along with the states with my best and worst match possibilities. Worst states are in blue, the darker the blue, the worse the match pool. States that showed us a low potential for finding a love connection were Massachusetts, Washington, Oregon, California, and West Virginia. In all honesty I was a bit surprised, but did do mini happy dance about West Virginia. Arizona though still looks pretty blue, no wonder I haven't had much luck in love in this state! Now for the states OKCupid says have higher potential amounts of love matches for me: North Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska, Alabama, Mississippi. Really Cupid? Out of 20,251 answers those states are the best place to find love? My first thought was, "I need to answer more questions!" Evidently, there is secret midwest redneck hiding in my brain. Which is funny because I've been though all those states and felt detached from all the confederate flags. You'd think if I truly was meant to be with someone from there I'd have felt more at home during some of those awkward stops at gas stations?  Maybe I've been reading too much Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.... But it gets better, further down was a geographical breakdown of what countries my best matches reside in...

Best Countries: Jamaica, Israel, Singapore, Saudi Arabia, Hungary..... Huh? I'm still trying to figure out what that says about my personality! Worst Countries: Austria, Czech Republic, United Kingdom, Brazil, and United States. Great.... I have more statistical luck of finding love on a Jamaican vacation than I am in the country I live in! That means I might as well give up now on the whole theory about hanging out in the produce aisle of the grocery store in hopes of connecting with someone over the bananas or cucumbers. Instead friends, tell me where I can find steel drums in Phoenix? I'm hoping after I add more info they might re-run this report..... and that the answers change in favor of a little closer to home! But I gotta admit Cupid, your little reports make me want to fill out more stuff and see what happens.....