To the One Who Needs to Go Back to High School English

Ok friends, tell it to me straight: am I unreasonable by being completely turned off by bad grammar and spelling? I know I write in a very stream of consciousness voice and am not perfect. However, I feel like people just might want to re-read their emails before they hit send when it's the only way they are making an impression? Here's the message I received:


richkaleb29: Hey Katie how was your week?


Me:  Hi! My weeks are always busy, and if they aren't I fill up the time so they are! But it was good. How about you? What was the highlight of your week? 


richkaleb29: My weeks are always busy! I am alway busy as I am an insurance adjuster. I play vball on Monday nites at the monistary in a league! Then I have my son every other week! So I keep busy too that is why I am on this site. Your very cute! This weekend I am relaxing cause this week taking my son trick or treating in lake havasu!


How I wanted to respond but didn't because I felt mean:


Richkaleb29, I suspect that you slept through High School English! May I offer you some suggestions?


My weeks are always busy! I am alway busy as I am an insurance adjuster. Repetitive and unclear, why is being an insurance adjuster always busy? Expand on this so that the reader understands the connection.


I play v-ball on Monday nights at the Monastery in a league, and I have my son every other week. Exclamation marks are best used in moderation to properly express excitement. You can not be this excited about everything, it feels forced. Please eliminate at least 3. So I keep busy too. That is why I am on this site. You're very cute! This feels a little ADD, please either finish the thought with something like "and I think we might have a lot in common" or eliminate the compliment altogether.


This weekend, I am relaxing because during the week I'll be taking my son trick or treating in Lake Havasu. Please expand on this thought as to why you are going there, this feels unfinished. It's a good idea to end with a question that relates to something in the woman's profile. It not only shows that you did more than look at her pictures, but also keeps the conversation going and shows interest in getting to know her further.   The way you ended your email leaves the reader uninspired to continue conversation.  Maybe type your emails in Microsoft Word and cut/paste if you need continued grammatical help? Thank you for your consideration, and please: re-read before you hit send!

The Meat-a-tarian.....

Something I like about OKCupid.com (besides their awesome flow chart and analysis of my impending geographically related romantic doom) is that they give statistical data on your likeliness to be a match, friend, or enemy based on the way I answered questions. And they let you view the other person's answers and see where you are similar and different. Yes, it kinda takes some of the conversation out of it, but that's assuming the average person actually takes the time to view stuff like that the way I do, right?

Anyways, I've developed a system to my new hobby of surfing dating profiles in hopes Mr Right might jump out of one of them. I look at the general statistical data and ignore most people who have more than a 15% chance of being my enemy. Then I look at their height (I know - but reference earlier blogs for that rant). Then I skim through pictures. And if they are still interesting, I read their profile. Yeah, I know, I should be all about the content and what they have to say before anything else, but even though I'm not looking for a model, I want to feel some kind of physical spark. Call me what you want for it, but I'm just being honest.

My first AWESOME message on Cupid came from a gentleman who had come across the "near you" feed earlier, but I'd disqualified for a myriad of reasons:

• He is 24
• He has a 26% Enemy rating
• And he looks like a skinny little punk in a wifebeater.

I almost didn't read the email from him, but for the sake of this blog, I'm glad I did! To give a bit of back story, one of my profile pictures is from Warrior Dash where I'm covered in mud and eating a turkey leg. I thought it was a funny, real life way to express who I am in a sea of model poses and self taken mirror pictures. This is essence of Katie $h!t right here!

But this is the message I received:

Call me mean, but I couldn't help myself! People who know me well will tell you my responses weren't exactly true. I was totally playing around out of boredom. I got the drumstick reference, and I'm not so innocent (I did work at Victoria's Secret for 7 years...) but seriously guys, how many women does this approach actually work with?!?  So sorry Mr. Meatatarian, I think I'm going Veggiesaurous on this one!

I'm Baaaack!

Yup folks, I'm back. After a hiatus from online dating because I thought I'd found the one - over a year later I'm back to square one in the dating world. Now here's the thing, I wouldn't have done anything differently over the past year and a half. I fell in love. I gave the relationship everything I had and have no regrets. It just wasn't the right time in both of our lives, and out of still caring for the insensitive asshole who dumped me, I'm not going any further into the details of the relationship's demise. The important thing, I'm back to my normal shenanigans in my search for love, which is good news for ya'll! Let's be real, I'm not emotionally ready to quite jump into dating. I still am working through emotions and although my head knows I'm strong and should move on, my heart's a little slower to jump on board the moving on train. However, I am absolutely ready for a distraction! 

So far, I've tried eHarmony, and during my last blog went on Match.com. This time, on the recommendation of a friend I'm testing out OKCupid.com. And by testing out, I mean I have a blank profile, with no pictures, but have answered about 75 questions. I was a little leery about a free dating site. I think I have always associated someone being willing to pay money to find love as someone more serious about finding it. Imagine my surprise when I received an email from OKCupid.com with a flow chart to my heart. This is based on the few questions I've answered, but sounds pretty true and obvious. If you're looking for true love, don't do drugs, and are willing to meet me in person I'll give you a chance. While that info isn't earth shattering, I never got a flow chart to my heart from the paying websites, and I gotta admit, I felt like I was getting special treatment when I got that email!

The next email in my inbox was even more amusing. Based on how I answered my questions, it gave me a geographical break down of the US and the world along with the states with my best and worst match possibilities. Worst states are in blue, the darker the blue, the worse the match pool. States that showed us a low potential for finding a love connection were Massachusetts, Washington, Oregon, California, and West Virginia. In all honesty I was a bit surprised, but did do mini happy dance about West Virginia. Arizona though still looks pretty blue, no wonder I haven't had much luck in love in this state! Now for the states OKCupid says have higher potential amounts of love matches for me: North Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska, Alabama, Mississippi. Really Cupid? Out of 20,251 answers those states are the best place to find love? My first thought was, "I need to answer more questions!" Evidently, there is secret midwest redneck hiding in my brain. Which is funny because I've been though all those states and felt detached from all the confederate flags. You'd think if I truly was meant to be with someone from there I'd have felt more at home during some of those awkward stops at gas stations?  Maybe I've been reading too much Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.... But it gets better, further down was a geographical breakdown of what countries my best matches reside in...

Best Countries: Jamaica, Israel, Singapore, Saudi Arabia, Hungary..... Huh? I'm still trying to figure out what that says about my personality! Worst Countries: Austria, Czech Republic, United Kingdom, Brazil, and United States. Great.... I have more statistical luck of finding love on a Jamaican vacation than I am in the country I live in! That means I might as well give up now on the whole theory about hanging out in the produce aisle of the grocery store in hopes of connecting with someone over the bananas or cucumbers. Instead friends, tell me where I can find steel drums in Phoenix? I'm hoping after I add more info they might re-run this report..... and that the answers change in favor of a little closer to home! But I gotta admit Cupid, your little reports make me want to fill out more stuff and see what happens.....

To The Boyfriend I Never Knew I Had....

I mentioned before when I came across 79 year old Gepapas, that I was politely replying no to all the winkers, and I got this message back from thesaintinphx:

So why did you quit on me?

Maybe you want more than a wink..that's what your profile says anyway...Tell me about Austin
please, and whether you think we can have a drink with no expectations, just a friendly
get together?

Louie

What???? Why did I quit on you? We haven't even had a conversation! And really, do you want to
 preface a meet and greet with "let's have a drink with no expectations"? You're on match.com, Louie, 
I think most people would say, let's have a drink and see if we connect, or have something in common,
 or get to know each other. The no expectations thing makes it feel like you play games. Plus, you're 5'7"
 and bald looking for Christian/Catholic girls between 5'1" and 5'6". There's a few things wrong with this 
picture, and the aggressive tone of his email may have made me respond kinda strongly:

RE: So why did you quit on me?

Excuse me? I replied no thanks for a few reasons, one of which was confirmed when I received your 
email. So again, no thank you, I would not like to get to know you further.

Sorry Mr. Saint in Phx, evidently I can be just as abrasive as you, because I always have expectations!

To the Grandpa

So I very rarely look at the area where the winkers get filtered into, I've already expressed my thoughts on the concept of the online wink and it's uselessness. In fact, I was told by someone that people wink because they don't want to pay for a membership. Again, what would be the point? You wink, I wink, and then we never email because you don't have access to that? But I digress....

One winker in particular did stand out as I began to click the "say no thanks" button on my list of people who didn't take time to read my profile. I barely even look at the pictures at this point, but his snowy white hair made me pause for a closer look. Gepapas, 79 years old, lives in Payson, seeking women 35-55. Wait, there are really men over 65 using this site?

First off, go grandpa! Way to not only be hip to technology (my own mother can barely navigate a smart phone much less a dating profile!), but adaptable enough in your old age to go with the times and not expect to meet your next lady friend organically at the grocery store! I couldn't stop myself from viewing his profile!

A little about me...
I was married for 53 years, so you can see that I understand what a commitment means. I retired in 1983 at age of 52 as an auditor for an insurance company for 19 years and Helen at age 55. I've never worked since. Helen passed away in September at 82 years. Have no children or relatives. The only baggage I have is is my closet awaiting my next trip to Utah. Like to travel, not upscale, meeting the people, for weeks or months. Have my own money, do not depend on social security or pension. Love the McCallum theatre and serious shows in Palm Desert, Ca. I have 2 tickets for 39 performances for the season starting November 2011. I do not watch tv, can you blame me? I love listening to nice soft beautiful instrumental music all day long. I go to medium price restaurants. Food and parties are not important to me. I am very neat and organized, and live alone in my 2 bedroom 2 bath home. I give to charities and causes which inspire me and truly give from the heart. I have friends who are kind and honest. I am very patient and relaxed. This does not mean I am a homebody! I travel and find many off-the-beaten-path events. I am in great physical shape and alive! You only live once and I am not done yet. Do you want to go see what's around the corner ? From May 15 to Oct.15 I am in Payson,AZ and Oct.15 to May 15 at Palm Springs, CA.

I'd just like to add...
I have been called "gregarious and charming" and "loyal." Send me contact info and I can send you many letters of reference from well regarded contacts who vouched for me. I know today we can easily be spooked by frauds online, and let me assure you that I am honest and real.

Didn't you hear...80 is the new 50. I run circles around these folks who are supposed to be younger and faster. They're sure not wiser! I'm not ready for a wheelchair yet, I'll still race you to the corner.


OK, so while I think it's obvious to anyone who knows me, I could never have a romantic relationship with anyone older than my father; but damn I just want to squeeze this cute little old man! He's very straight forward, knows what he wants, and for all intents and purposes seems to still explore and live adventures despite his age! AND he's willing to provide character references?!? Score! 


I do hope though that this seemingly sweet little old man (let's be real, he is looking for someone 35-55 which screams "I want arm candy for the theater") finds someone with whom he has a connection and isn't a gold digger looking for a sugar daddy. Realistically, I couldn't bring myself to date or kiss anyone that qualifies for a senior discount, and I feel like anyone that could just might have some Daddy issues hidden somewhere in their childhood. But when you put yourself in his shoes, no wife, no kids, decent health, financially comfortable, who wouldn't shoot for a cute young thing that makes them feel like they've still got it?


So Grandpa, thanks for the wink! I'm not going to take you up on it, but I'm a cheerleader in your corner and if you need a ride to cards or bingo, I'm your girl! 

To the Bible Thumper

Ok, first I must state that I respect other people's beliefs. Is organized religion something I choose for myself? No. Do I absolutely see the social benefit of it (as well as it's historical downfalls like the Salem witch trials....) Yes. But does ANYBODY like having someone else's beliefs shoved down their throats?


Come on a journey to my delightful filtered mail box....


ChristianGuy2012
If you get a chance, let's chat for a few. I would like to get to know you better.


Now, at the the moment I am dating someone (who I didn't meet through match but rather through a friend in the middle of this whole process). And while we haven't had "the talk" I'm not really actively looking much either.


But in that weird way you look at car crashes, I still check my filtered mail. It's like a game to see if there's a joke waiting for me. And the highly religious tone to his tag name sucked me in to read his profile:

Hello,

Where to begin? I think dating should be simple. I want someone who can trust in the lord and not play games. To me, dating is to get to know you and not see how much I can play hard to get. I want an honest loving lady who appreciates everything in life. I want someone who is driven, have goals and understand a relationship will have disagreements. Handling disagreements is extremely important because that’s the core of any relationship to last.??

My ideal relationship is a relationship where God is in the center. I am not a Jesus freak by any means but I feel there’s always room to grow. My ideal woman is someone who wants to grow together and share all the amazing qualities that God gave us. I think working hard and rewarding yourself is a good habit as long as we don’t get consumed into the worldly material things and forget what really matters to us.?

?I don’t think no matter how much I write will allow you to get to know me. So please say hello and don’t be shy. I am a firm believer that small risks pay off, so trust in the lord and let’s see where this goes. I have been very skeptical of online dating but why not give it a chance and see what this road will lead to.??
God Bless and if you think you can handle a real conversation, I would love to hear from you.


Well, ChristianGuy2012, maybe the first step to getting to know me better would be reading my profile. Let's start where it says Atheist...... 

To My Friend's Ex-Boyfriend....

All work makes it hard to email match.com-ers! So I finally get back on to check my filtered mail and had a delightful message entitled "Holy Shit!" of course the first thing I think of was oh crap, what ex-boyfriend/high school acquaintance is this? Luckily it wasn't an old flame instead, I found:


"I read your blog that Carla posted on fb and decided to give this place a try. And then bam you show up in my matches! Small world huh"


Hmmmm, so my big question because this person is a friend of a friend (and I just realized is her ex boyfriend!!!) and is normal for all intensive purposes is: what in the world about my blogs make you think "hey, sounds like a great idea!"???


"I would like to be booty called by strangers on vacation, asked for kinky sex relationships, and be ogled for my long neck too! Sounds delightful!" Now I will give match.com this, it is great entertainment! However, for the aspect of finding my soulmate...at least I don't have to kiss frogs, I can just hit the politely reply no thanks button. Does that count for anything? 


All I can say is rj882, I'm so glad I could inspire you to embark on a similar quest for love? I hope you have a girl request pictures of your feet, ask to tie you up before your first email response, and wink with both eyes!


Update:
My Response was:
Ha! What about my blog made you think "that sounds like a good idea"? I feel like I was highlighting all the crazies on here! Are the girls as funny and crazy as some of the guys are?

Katie


His Response was:
Katie, 

Oh I am sure there is a plethora of crack pots on this site, and you do an excellent job writing about them. I really have not spent a whole lot of time doing this whole online thing, so I am sure you are more hip to the scene. Fortunately for me, I have not had to deal with anyone crazy...yet 

You're cool, that's why I gave this site a try. I am down in the valley for the next week or so; we should hang out sometime. 

Rich


OK, so my first response was "have you not heard about the code???" You know, the one you learn in junior high that teaches you not to date your best friend's ex-boyfriend because you lost your best friend as a result? Out of confusion I sent my friend Carla a text:


"So rich emailed me a we should hang out message on match, is he just naive to the don't date your ex's friends rule? Or is he just that much of a natural douche bag?" 


Her response was "He may be a bit on the naive front." So Rich, be glad your ex girlfriend is a classy gal, cause she saved you from the hearing my rant when I received your message! But word to the wise: Don't try to date your ex's friends! - The know all the dirty laundry about you and in most cases the details of why you broke up that even your girlfriend didn't share with you!